friend

Good friends remain true and reliable no matter what.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of a fair-weather friend. A “friend” like that is only friendly when things are going well. The moment we get into trouble or are in need of help, fair-weather friends vanish.

“If I lost my job and had no money, I wonder if I’d still have my friends.”

i find it fascinating. if i cannot use somebody when the time comes, he’s not a true friend?

to be honest, all i want is fair-weather friend. i don’t ever want you to help me, never. if you offer to help, great, surely will i appreciate it. in reverse circumstance, if you want my help, i am happy to be there for you. and don’t feel like you need to pay back. personally, just be a fair-weather friend to me. have a drink, grab a bite, enjoy a show, share a road trip, and anything non-sexual non-emotional.

is it too much to ask? or am i sounding too good on paper? no, because i hate helping people out after the second times. if you need the same help more than twice, i have to whine it in your face. seriously, put your shit together man!

plus often, i find myself being replaced by someone who gives more emotional supports. i guess cold blooded is not popular in human being.

still, i do need fair-weather friends to catch movies and shows. and don’t go with your true friends please! lol

诉求

我以为我要的很少很简单
但事实上这几年却未曾成功过
一起看看电影 搭车看场演出 旅游分担房费 什么活动凑个人数
不感兴趣的不强求 不会因为“作为朋友” 强迫卖个人情
喝酒吃饭 闲聊扯淡 却不会夜夜倾谈心声 不会不见面也熟络人情网络地对话
简单说就是酒肉朋友
是否人们都在避免充当酒肉朋友 而单一地要求着真友
我不知道
我只知道我无法充当倾吐真心的朋友
我只知道我不需要一个倾听我心的朋友
我只知道我能够给于燃眉的帮助但不是日日地照顾
我只知道我不会找你帮忙但你不会认为我排斥你针对你冷落你
结果是
这样的朋友不存在 存在的是比你更近人情的那个人替代你的位置
直到我遇到另一个和我有相同诉求的人的那天
我想 我是无法结交新朋友了

either satisfied alone or desperately needy
either depressed or violently happy
never in-between

Last but not least..
actually, this one is sort of the beginning of my writing!

迷　
文 / vigilgt

太多太多不平衡引诱着太多太大太广的距离感。

是离奇的分别发展为不稳定的关系。

所以她走了，三天内就离开了我的视线，如晨雾一般消失而又不留一丝痕迹。
（阅读全文…）

would like to attend some concerts
would like to try out different food in other’s dish
would like to drive to somewhere in turns
would like to have fun like before with crazies
do not have friends here
do not have friends in years
do not want to dance to the music all by myself
do not want to travel alone
do not want to watch a movie without company
do not want to make one-person reservation
do not love my life any more

说是文化差异吗 或许是对的 或许只是我自己
我觉得在那次旅行中被负面气场所包围一样
有时候看起来像是找寻借口的话题 其实只是想试着看看根源 是什么地方的问题
作为一个亚洲家庭 作为一个不记得自己有被表扬过的孩子
我记得小学一次双百过后 次年就是80分的下场 于是从来都害怕骄傲
已经分不清什么是自尊 什么是自卑 什么是自我
莫名其妙就活了几十年 想来只觉得荒唐
把这种荒唐当作怒气 我渐渐习惯对任何人任何事贫嘴
似乎成为我的一种人生态度
世界太大 旅行去过的地方可能很难再去第二次
所以在剩最后一格油时 我选择了逆行一个小时去一个景点
按照地图里程的计算 返回旅馆是没有问题的
家人一直指责我 尽管已经去到景点 事实已经无法改变 仍然不开心地说会回不去
我想 既然到了这里 先逛完吧 船到桥头自然直
就算没油了 搭车买油 电话让维修公司送油 都是办法
就算搭车遇见歹徒 被杀被抢 那也是命的一部分
家人说凡是要往坏的方面打算 说见识太短 没有遇见真正的风浪
我说 我不想这样去生活 先把坏的可能考虑清楚 把所有的负面情绪都照顾到
我不想在最安全保险的情况下去作计划
我说 明明通过科学计算 可以开回程的汽油 为什么要那么担心害怕
家人说 如果堵车呢 而且那个景点是必须去的吗? (那个景点是一个山崖 用来观看对面的全景 而对面是上午开车进去的地方)
我说 你们的负面情绪太重了 这几天就埋怨老是山山山 还不是各种各样石头
我说 旅行不是看一山一石 还能怎样 一直都是负面情绪 油不够 路面不好 山路不去 还不如不要来
家人说 是不该来 早知道你现在是这样的人 就不相见
然后就是泪水 虽然我没有哭 但是我觉得心都碎了
我没有什么大的挫折 也没有在生活中缺少什么 但我知道我不快乐
我只是想唯唯诺诺怒点小力让家人快乐 是因为欠他们的
但看见泪水的刹那 我觉得我心中已经再没有家人了!!!
我永远无法报答他们 突然我这样想 我觉得我放弃了
我知道为什么要把坏事考虑清楚
我爷爷在文革时期 自愿去支藏 乐山的所有公宅都捐了 结果还是因为大地主身份被关了
他老婆在那个年代离婚 被批斗为生活作风有问题 (这里面的家庭争斗太复杂了) 没有照顾家庭
所以父母是靠自己活过那个年代 我被他们的故事震撼并感动着
但我不愿意去思考那些如果 如果晚上被抢被轮 如果搭车被杀 如果汽车抛锚 如果山路太糟
我不知道是愚蠢 是幼稚 是自私 是不懂事 是经历太少 还是所有
我想我就是这样了
假设我活到79岁 去掉未成年与读书时代的25年 每天吃饭睡觉去掉1/3
剩下18年的光阴 就是我寻找快乐与自由的所有资本
所以别审判我 请
如果老天要审判我 一个雷把我劈死我也毫无怨言
谢谢
对不起
成长为这样任性的男人

clap ur hands after a great movie in theater
what’s the point?
make ur friends laugh
what’s the point?
pretend to smile when u hear a joke even it’s so bad
what’s the point?
try so hard to break the awkward silence
what’s the point?
let other people know ur feelings
what’s the point?
fool around the one who fools around u
what’s the point?
to be cool, to be funny, to be popular, to be likable, to be around
what’s the point?

i have been fascinating with music concerts.
from $10 pub show to $200 venue tour.
tbh, i dont really have negative feeling about nyc
it reminds my hometown sometimes. the crowds, the night life
only difference will be that they are not here
I have been in america almost 31 months, well, 29 months in PA
i know nobody in nyc. feel totally lost while i was in the concerts
used to chat with high school fellows, used to drink w/ them
sometimes went out for a little dance at 1AM and a real good time

i saw people talking to each other, shouting, laughing, dancing
and i am the stranger in town. a 2 month new comer with nothing
i probably will never get the same friends as high school babes
never the friends growing with you, experiencing life together
oh. help me

找到了在國內用的手機
上面還留著那年的短信
仿佛看見當年那個對愛堅持的人
如今只是空空

我只想去沿著別人的足跡
默默微微
不去觸及心底深處那保留的情熱
想試著去分享別人的快樂
（阅读全文…）

down
i feel really down now
i don have a thing want to do
i donno how to live, to be happy
desperately want to be cared deeply for
i even got hurt each time hearing somebody saying honey
i am so scared i will never be loved in next 25 yrs
when i lie in bed, i see the snowflake fall down the street, the tree and the window
i feel i am dying
i am empty and my heart is torn apart
i am growing older and older, but never grow up
i don, really donno how to move on all by myself
i stay in bathrom for an hour, letting the water pouring down on my head
i try to have a cry to release the stress
i cant just cant
trying so hard but couldnt make it
while i was drying my hair, i saw a smile face which makes me fucking sad
i keep demonstrating a smile at work, at school, at market and in front of everybody
i remember the days i used to have some one to fight
the days i used to have some one to hold
and now i couldnt feel nothing
i just need a who to surrport me, to hold me, to love me
to make me alive

i hate the weakness side of me so bad
however, everybody got weak sometimes
i never put my pressures on others shoulder
i am turning into an intense man i never thought i would be
i dreamt bout a person who will carry some pressures off me
id wait for life
even its too hard to wait
too desperate to wait
too sad to wait
and im afraid of the one will never walk into my life
i still pray and try to keep calm
i wish i could find the meaning of life in year 2009
a life i truly believe in

越是說著沒有期待沒有未來
越是如水晶般清澈地渴望著

一遍一遍不厭其煩地重復
呆呆地注視著時光蹉跎
等待一句問候
等待一些關懷
等待最美麗的時刻
即使不能在最美麗的年華發生
也請至少務必出席
一會兒也好
我會邁上前去
延續這時刻
即使沒有在最美麗的年華發生
至少來到我身邊 在下一秒
告訴我
自己面臨的不會是
無盡的墜落