Mr.Dreamer » —er none

friend

ryan — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:15:39 +0000

friend

Good friends remain true and reliable no matter what.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of a fair-weather friend. A “friend” like that is only friendly when things are going well. The moment we get into trouble or are in need of help, fair-weather friends vanish.

“If I lost my job and had no money, I wonder if I’d still have my friends.”

i find it fascinating. if i cannot use somebody when the time comes, he’s not a true friend?

to be honest, all i want is fair-weather friend. i don’t ever want you to help me, never. if you offer to help, great, surely will i appreciate it. in reverse circumstance, if you want my help, i am happy to be there for you. and don’t feel like you need to pay back. personally, just be a fair-weather friend to me. have a drink, grab a bite, enjoy a show, share a road trip, and anything non-sexual non-emotional.

is it too much to ask? or am i sounding too good on paper? no, because i hate helping people out after the second times. if you need the same help more than twice, i have to whine it in your face. seriously, put your shit together man!

plus often, i find myself being replaced by someone who gives more emotional supports. i guess cold blooded is not popular in human being.

still, i do need fair-weather friends to catch movies and shows. and don’t go with your true friends please! lol

诉求

我以为我要的很少很简单
但事实上这几年却未曾成功过
一起看看电影搭车看场演出旅游分担房费什么活动凑个人数
不感兴趣的不强求不会因为“作为朋友” 强迫卖个人情
喝酒吃饭闲聊扯淡却不会夜夜倾谈心声不会不见面也熟络人情网络地对话
简单说就是酒肉朋友
是否人们都在避免充当酒肉朋友而单一地要求着真友
我不知道
我只知道我无法充当倾吐真心的朋友
我只知道我不需要一个倾听我心的朋友
我只知道我能够给于燃眉的帮助但不是日日地照顾
我只知道我不会找你帮忙但你不会认为我排斥你针对你冷落你
结果是
这样的朋友不存在存在的是比你更近人情的那个人替代你的位置
直到我遇到另一个和我有相同诉求的人的那天
我想我是无法结交新朋友了

in-between

ryan — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 16:23:20 +0000

either satisfied alone or desperately needy
either depressed or violently happy
never in-between

Mystery

ryan — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 03:32:29 +0000

Last but not least..
actually, this one is sort of the beginning of my writing!

迷　
文 / vigilgt

太多太多不平衡引诱着太多太大太广的距离感。

是离奇的分别发展为不稳定的关系。

所以她走了，三天内就离开了我的视线，如晨雾一般消失而又不留一丝痕迹。

夜雨又下。心中多了个缺，雨一直下，心淌满了雨，心中在积血！

公平带不来什么，也无法逼走那些不公平。

如同阳光般的疲倦和无奈；如河水般的寂寞和无聊；如雪川般的消极和自负——报纸皱了却无法像衣服一样能被烫平。

公正，公平？

是的，有什么样的结果，却可以拥有各种各样完全不相同的原因。

平衡却不会让更多更多不该发生的事不再发生，况且，怎可有公正的宇宙？

有对称的宇宙，却无对的世界。

距离能产生美，却不能消除曾被拥有抑或一生一世不被甩掉的伤痕。

不错，界限有个皱纹。但人们却错在相信它只有一条，如同悄悄爬上人们脸庞的鱼尾纹，又怎会只有一条呢？信其不可逾越，宁信非也。

于是灯光有了分界线；于是车票有了等级；于是有酒家与酒馆；于是有公用与私用；于是有农民与市民；于是有穷人与富人；于是有下线与上线；于是有我和你！

但呼吸着空气，却让人们体会到某些平等的事物——其实城市内已有许多或更多氧吧Be Built，只是人们不知道罢了。

新与旧也是宇宙实现其公平的受害者，无时无刻对立着的却又共同联立着的，是世界美感与斜世界所持有的美景。

其共通的文字语言总会出现某些如同距离般值得从一而终玩味的新生载体。文化冲突是两种世界以各自人文为依据的世界平衡的产物。而新生事物所带来的冲击却就如同墨汁滴落到卫生纸上般一触即散，连碰都不需，就同世界进行了最直接却最不易消除的冲击方式。人类本身的素质却始终无法达到蚂蚁或蜜蜂能成千上万和谐劳动的那般。整个摇动的地球就是这样的平衡得不行。

谁都不然却又最难改变那挥之不去的过去的回忆。

如她！

曾经的放学路上，曾经的周末日子，曾经是拥有那么多的曾经。却被公平地这样带走了一个她。

理由是不需要被人寻找出来的，就如同创口表面上是别人带来的，但最终却是自己害自己——人生最大的敌人是自己！

迷住了，极美丽，这灿烂的平衡，像人生中寻的目标般充满诱惑，让人迷惑。

之所以她走了，是因为离奇的分别发展为不稳定的关系。

更因为太多太多不平衡引诱着太多太大太广的距离感。

纵然失去亦可再生更多距离般的平衡，以期为可以留底不动的公平，为了真正的敌人，为了自己！

BY VIGIL

feeling

ryan — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 08:26:31 +0000

would like to attend some concerts
would like to try out different food in other’s dish
would like to drive to somewhere in turns
would like to have fun like before with crazies
do not have friends here
do not have friends in years
do not want to dance to the music all by myself
do not want to travel alone
do not want to watch a movie without company
do not want to make one-person reservation
do not love my life any more

none

ryan — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:07:52 +0000

说是文化差异吗或许是对的或许只是我自己
我觉得在那次旅行中被负面气场所包围一样
有时候看起来像是找寻借口的话题其实只是想试着看看根源是什么地方的问题
作为一个亚洲家庭作为一个不记得自己有被表扬过的孩子
我记得小学一次双百过后次年就是80分的下场于是从来都害怕骄傲
已经分不清什么是自尊什么是自卑什么是自我
莫名其妙就活了几十年想来只觉得荒唐
把这种荒唐当作怒气我渐渐习惯对任何人任何事贫嘴
似乎成为我的一种人生态度
世界太大旅行去过的地方可能很难再去第二次
所以在剩最后一格油时我选择了逆行一个小时去一个景点
按照地图里程的计算返回旅馆是没有问题的
家人一直指责我尽管已经去到景点事实已经无法改变仍然不开心地说会回不去
我想既然到了这里先逛完吧船到桥头自然直
就算没油了搭车买油电话让维修公司送油都是办法
就算搭车遇见歹徒被杀被抢那也是命的一部分
家人说凡是要往坏的方面打算说见识太短没有遇见真正的风浪
我说我不想这样去生活先把坏的可能考虑清楚把所有的负面情绪都照顾到
我不想在最安全保险的情况下去作计划
我说明明通过科学计算可以开回程的汽油为什么要那么担心害怕
家人说如果堵车呢而且那个景点是必须去的吗? (那个景点是一个山崖用来观看对面的全景而对面是上午开车进去的地方)
我说你们的负面情绪太重了这几天就埋怨老是山山山还不是各种各样石头
我说旅行不是看一山一石还能怎样一直都是负面情绪油不够路面不好山路不去还不如不要来
家人说是不该来早知道你现在是这样的人就不相见
然后就是泪水虽然我没有哭但是我觉得心都碎了
我没有什么大的挫折也没有在生活中缺少什么但我知道我不快乐
我只是想唯唯诺诺怒点小力让家人快乐是因为欠他们的
但看见泪水的刹那我觉得我心中已经再没有家人了!!!
我永远无法报答他们突然我这样想我觉得我放弃了
我知道为什么要把坏事考虑清楚
我爷爷在文革时期自愿去支藏乐山的所有公宅都捐了结果还是因为大地主身份被关了
他老婆在那个年代离婚被批斗为生活作风有问题 (这里面的家庭争斗太复杂了) 没有照顾家庭
所以父母是靠自己活过那个年代我被他们的故事震撼并感动着
但我不愿意去思考那些如果如果晚上被抢被轮如果搭车被杀如果汽车抛锚如果山路太糟
我不知道是愚蠢是幼稚是自私是不懂事是经历太少还是所有
我想我就是这样了
假设我活到79岁去掉未成年与读书时代的25年每天吃饭睡觉去掉1/3
剩下18年的光阴就是我寻找快乐与自由的所有资本
所以别审判我请
如果老天要审判我一个雷把我劈死我也毫无怨言
谢谢
对不起
成长为这样任性的男人

definition of boring

ryan — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:27:36 +0000

clap ur hands after a great movie in theater
what’s the point?
make ur friends laugh
what’s the point?
pretend to smile when u hear a joke even it’s so bad
what’s the point?
try so hard to break the awkward silence
what’s the point?
let other people know ur feelings
what’s the point?
fool around the one who fools around u
what’s the point?
to be cool, to be funny, to be popular, to be likable, to be around
what’s the point?

never the same

ryan — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 06:47:51 +0000

i have been fascinating with music concerts.
from $10 pub show to $200 venue tour.
tbh, i dont really have negative feeling about nyc
it reminds my hometown sometimes. the crowds, the night life
only difference will be that they are not here
I have been in america almost 31 months, well, 29 months in PA
i know nobody in nyc. feel totally lost while i was in the concerts
used to chat with high school fellows, used to drink w/ them
sometimes went out for a little dance at 1AM and a real good time

i saw people talking to each other, shouting, laughing, dancing
and i am the stranger in town. a 2 month new comer with nothing
i probably will never get the same friends as high school babes
never the friends growing with you, experiencing life together
oh. help me

cellphone

ryan — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 04:34:15 +0000

找到了在國內用的手機
上面還留著那年的短信
仿佛看見當年那個對愛堅持的人
如今只是空空

我只想去沿著別人的足跡
默默微微
不去觸及心底深處那保留的情熱
想試著去分享別人的快樂

那天清晨我興奮地向同事說起三件事
最後一件沒來得及說完就到開會時間了
後來我在廁所馬桶上對自己繼續用英語說著
然後我撲哧地笑著對自己說怎麼又跟自己對話啊

有時候會想登錄那六七年未用的QQ
有時候會想同msn上的三四人多嘴
有時候會駕去5個小時遠的地方堆積幻想
有時候是為了蹦跳為了歡呼為了感覺

我厭惡人群
我喜歡熱鬧
我厭惡說話
我喜歡交流

也許是自以為是
誤認為自己是個很討人喜歡的家伙
其實是個陰晴不定的怪胎
真難以想象我的命運的下個然後究竟會是怎樣

still

ryan — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 05:22:23 +0000

down
i feel really down now
i don have a thing want to do
i donno how to live, to be happy
desperately want to be cared deeply for
i even got hurt each time hearing somebody saying honey
i am so scared i will never be loved in next 25 yrs
when i lie in bed, i see the snowflake fall down the street, the tree and the window
i feel i am dying
i am empty and my heart is torn apart
i am growing older and older, but never grow up
i don, really donno how to move on all by myself
i stay in bathrom for an hour, letting the water pouring down on my head
i try to have a cry to release the stress
i cant just cant
trying so hard but couldnt make it
while i was drying my hair, i saw a smile face which makes me fucking sad
i keep demonstrating a smile at work, at school, at market and in front of everybody
i remember the days i used to have some one to fight
the days i used to have some one to hold
and now i couldnt feel nothing
i just need a who to surrport me, to hold me, to love me
to make me alive

i hate the weakness side of me so bad
however, everybody got weak sometimes
i never put my pressures on others shoulder
i am turning into an intense man i never thought i would be
i dreamt bout a person who will carry some pressures off me
id wait for life
even its too hard to wait
too desperate to wait
too sad to wait
and im afraid of the one will never walk into my life
i still pray and try to keep calm
i wish i could find the meaning of life in year 2009
a life i truly believe in

for good

ryan — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 01:44:40 +0000

越是說著沒有期待沒有未來
越是如水晶般清澈地渴望著

一遍一遍不厭其煩地重復
呆呆地注視著時光蹉跎
等待一句問候
等待一些關懷
等待最美麗的時刻
即使不能在最美麗的年華發生
也請至少務必出席
一會兒也好
我會邁上前去
延續這時刻
即使沒有在最美麗的年華發生
至少來到我身邊在下一秒
告訴我
自己面臨的不會是
無盡的墜落